Many men are wary of going to marriage counseling.
They fear that they will be ganged-up on by two women once that counseling room door is shut. Many women call The Couple Zone and make a new appointment for marriage counseling, but call back and cancel before the first session.
“No matter how much I try, my husband says he will not come to marriage counseling,” is common.
I have been doing marriage counseling for 20 years. I got into this field to work with couples in the first place. Through the years I’ve had many couples that previously attempted marriage counseling.
It hadn’t gone well.
“We saw a marriage counselor for two months,” a wife said. “But she sided with me way too much. I have to admit, if I were him I wouldn’t go back to see her either.”
Another common scene plays out like this: “Our past counselor saw me as The Problem,” the husband reported. “He called me a narcissist.” “Is this how it really happened?” I ask the wife. “Oh yeah,” she affirmed. “He told me that in private, and also told us together during the session. I couldn’t believe it. He just met us!”
Theory Matters – Do Your Homework
Counselors receive training in certain theories that guide them in treatment. These models can vary greatly. If it is difficult or impossible to get your husband to agree to marriage counseling, it may be helpful to do some counselor homework to aid in alleviating fears.
You have every right to read a counselor’s online information to find out how they view marriage and relationships. If that is not made clear, that may be a warning sign. At the Couple Zone, for example, we are very clear on how we work and view relationship distress. We have even written a book on couple’s counseling. We lay out in plain sight how our counseling proceeds.
If this information is not online, and you still may want to see them, call or email them. Ask them what theoretical models they use in couples counseling. Ask them to be specific, and tell them you want to look these models up on the Internet because you are looking into several marriage counseling options.
On your own go to the Internet and research these models. Do they make sense to you? Do they sound blaming? Do they view problems in ways that match your worldview or make sense to you? Do they sound far-fetched? Do they sound far removed from what you really think you two are struggling with?
Remember, you are the consumer. You have every right to read counselor “labels” before seeing them in such a personal way as counseling.
We read the labels on foods; it’s time to start reading labels on counselors.
The problem we are discussing here is getting your husband to agree to go to counseling in the first place. If they sound put off – move on to someone else. You’ve just saved yourself valuable time and money.
When you find someone whom you believe fits with your worldview, belief system, morality, ethics etc., you have taken a good first step in being ready to reassure your husband that, while his fears are real, you have done your homework with both of you in mind.
That’s a very important first step.
For the next steps stay tuned for our next blog entry.
